lists
It's evening again, and I am making another attempt at completing my schoolwork. I've been sitting here for hours, trying to get anything done, but I find myself unable to do anything but stare at this screen.
I've made lists. Hundreds of drafts of lists. But I never get to check off that last box.
In all of my life, I wonder how many lists I've completed. My most elaborate one is a Google Sheets, with inspiration and coding drawn from two of my best friends. One created a code to calculate GPA, the other one a way to organize each assignment, and have them automatically appear on a calendar one click away. I coded it to be flush with my brain, each class a different color with the due dates clearly visible. It's all laid out in its categorized glory, and I know exactly what I have to do. So why am I here, writing the first post for a blog I created months ago? For the record, this was not on tonight's list.
I've realized lately that numbered steps are one way for me to function. Only sometimes, though. Usually at night, when I'm too tired to know what comes next, I can detail the order of what I need to do to get ready for bed, and my fatigued brain obliges.
1. Shower
2. Get dressed
3. Brush your teeth
4. Wash your face
5. Exercise
6. Meditate
7. Text someone good night
8. Bedtime
The issue with these step-by-step lists is that I get so caught up on each single step, that if I can't complete one, I am unable to proceed. Let's say I don't have the energy or resources to exercise one night. The logical route is to simply skip over it and pull up a meditation, right? Instead, I take the most appealing route: sit on the carpet and spiral about all that I need to do and what I didn't get done today: I should have— I could have— if I only tried harder— what the hell is wrong with me?? I need to work on letting go, cutting my losses. When it comes to schoolwork, it's too overwhelming to have it all laid out in a numbered format like this. All I can think is holy fuck, how am I ever going to get all of this done.
I hold myself back. I don't deny that in the least. But I push through. I do try. I really, fucking try. I've been trying to do schoolwork for five hours now. I made my newest attempt at a list. I laid out everything that needed to get done. I organized the papers in order of priority. I sat down, lit a candle, made some tea. I've gotten a half of a small assignment done. I could not tell you what I've done with the rest of that time. I truly couldn't.
The tea is gone, only the cold dregs remain. The candle is burnt out, and so am I. But still I persist. And writing this is an improvement. I'm transforming energy into something worthwhile. I'm refusing to let myself rot anymore tonight. Even if this isn't what I am meant to be doing at the moment. This is what I need to be doing right now. So let's make another list. I don't expect to follow it, but there's no harm in trying.
1. Finish the English assignment that you started. Starting was the hardest part. You're pushing through and I'm proud of you.
2. Study for history. This is necessary, even if it's just a brief skimming of the notes. It will not be difficult, I promise.
3. Follow steps 1-8 of the list you handily provided above as an example. Thank you for doing that. Exercise is feasible tonight, try the program that Cedar kindly send you, interspersed with his "sevens" program. It's a start, a good start.
I'll try to get to bed by 23:15 tonight. It isn't perfect, a little late considering I really need to get more sleep, but it's feasible. Here's a final list for tonight. I'll keep it short.
Tonight
1. I am enough
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